Well, 2016 is off to an... interesting start. I guess.
Despite my mom doing everything for me, my stomach and hormone issues have only gotten worse. In case you don't know, I have a lot of health issues, especially in regards to my stomach. I'm constantly getting stomach aches and pains, and if I'm not super careful with food, I get incredibly bad gas pains. Sometimes I throw up. Sometimes it's diarrhea. Both are terrible. I also have PCOS and a small tumor in my pituitary. Nothing terminal or anything and nothing that requires me to live in and out of a hospital, but I do have constant pains and troubles and illness. Which isn't fun.
On top of the illness, stress and anxiety have also creeped up on me. I'm 19 and a junior in college, which is of course halfway across the continent. And due to being unable to get classes, my advisor told me I was behind on classes and that there was a chance I wouldn't be able to graduate in May 2017. Which would mean I would have to pay for another semester of schooling so I could graduate in December 2017.
I cannot afford that. My parents can't afford that. My parents had told me that anymore schooling outside of 4 years, I would have to pay myself (which is fair, because they have been helping me out a ton with finances).
I don't have a job though. I don't have any income. And I don't even know what I want to do with myself when it comes to having a job.
I have no idea what I want to do with my future. I thought I wanted to be an editor, but honestly... I really don't have a passion for it. I want to write books, not correct other people's stuff. I want to be an author, despite knowing it's not the best way to make a living. And because I know that, I need something to fall back on.
And I have no idea what to do.
It's not that I don't have other interests, I do. I just don't know what to DO with said interests. I like people. I like animals. I like theatre. I love movies. I like certain areas of politics. I just don't know what to do with these interests.
I just felt as if I have no purpose. That nothing I'm doing matters, not even to myself. I'm stressed and sick and tired and I have no ideas for what I want to do with myself. And it terrified me to the point where it was eating at me. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to disappoint my parents.
But I didn't want them to worry either. So I didn't tell them anything.
All of this had made me incredibly depressed to the point where it was affecting everything. My sleeping habits, my sleeping schedule, and even my eating habits. My times were all off, I was sleeping all the time, I always felt tired, and I didn't wanna eat. I had little to no appetite. I didn't feel hungry, even though I needed to eat. I didn't want to do anything except lie down and not wake up.
It only got worse and worse as the date to go back to school came closer and closer. I was supposed to go back to school tomorrow, but...
I had a mental breakdown last night. I wanted to hurt myself. I just felt like things would be easier if I didn't exist. I didn't want to die, no, I just... didn't want to be here. It was strange. And it scared me. I haven't felt that way in YEARS. The last time I wanted to hurt myself was a long while ago. And even though I didn't do anything to myself last night, I still had a horrific fit.
I worried my mom last night due to the breakdown, so she arranged me to see my brother's old therapist today. Just to talk, seeing if this woman could help me. That talking to her would make me feel better.
And I ended up admitting everything to both the therapist and my mom in another breakdown.
My mom was horrified. I didn't want her to worry, so I never told her and I tried to explain it. I ended up feeling worse for never saying anything because I really do love my mom. She's always been a great support. I just wanted her to be proud of me and I didn't want her to worry. Instead I ended up making her feel like she did something wrong because I couldn't tell her.
So now, I'm taking a semester off and focusing on my health for the next several months.
She thinks that because of all my health issues, it's only adding to the stress and making things harder for me, on top of all the other shitty things going about in my head. So now, I'm just going to focus on my health and my habits.
I'm going to get on a fixed schedule. Sleeping right and eating right. I'm going to start exercising. Along with all of that, I'm going to try and find work. I need to do something other than just sit around at home. If I have a job, maybe I'll feel better about myself. It will certainly help me develop a healthy routine where my hours aren't all off and horrible.
I'm still going back to school in the fall. I just need to focus on me right now. Focus on getting better. Focus on working.
So for now... I'll be in California for this semester. Things have just been... really weird, that's all I can really say.
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